A Short Story? The Crooked Nun Whispered.

darknessI have been away… hence my recent quietness here.  I’m part of a writers group that sets prompts each week and thought I’d pass onto you the short story I wrote this week.  I was given three words; a noun, a verb and an adjective and these were to form the title of the piece.  The words I got were:  crooked, nun and whisper.

The Crooked Nun Whispered

Tabitha’s gaze is directed at the blue flicker of the television, but it is a gaze with all the warmth and life of an abandoned rundown house at midnight.  The kind that packs of local kids dare each other to enter only during the safety of a sweaty, luminous mid-afternoon summer.  She reaches for a tall glass of tepid water from the cheap, aluminium card-table beside her.  A dampened doily sticks slackly to the grimy glass as she drinks.  As Tabitha places the glass back onto the table, it clumsily topples over with a loud metallic clank.  She glances at it sideways but pays it no attention.

Tabitha is frail and insignificant in the vast cushion of armchair that envelops her.  The room is dark and thick with dust.  You can smell it.  There are no photos on the mantle.  No pictures on the wall.  No memories.

The television clicks off and Tabitha walks to her bedroom with a pained gait, something more than just old age. She undresses and every movement of her torso is fraught with agony.  A long puckered scar is still clearly visible through her wrinkled flesh.  It isn’t fresh by any means; it is white and faded but is such an unnatural shape and angle that it dominates this tiny woman.  Tabitha neatly folds her synthetic floral t-shirt and long, loose black skirt and places them onto perfect piles of identical clothing.  Beside the uniform stacks, is an old biscuit tin, the sort that holds those sugar-crusted, dry shortbreads that catch in your throat. She fishes out a worn, tarnished crucifix and stands in her greying bra and sagging underpants fingering the cross intently.

Sleep does not come easily to Tabitha.  She groans and grunts with every twist and turn.  A bottle of sleeping pills sits invitingly on the bedside table.  It’s half empty and has been a constant friend, but tonight she refuses it.  Won’t even look at it.  Her eyes are furiously staring at the ceiling as if her sleeplessness is somehow the fault of the stucco; as if somehow the peeling paint is the cause of her pain; as if the ton of concrete above is capable of reaching into a woman’s chest and tearing out her heart.

Refusing the sleeping pills is dangerous.  It means revisiting the past, whether she wants to or not, because lying in bed during the howling hours opens the shutters that Tabitha keeps battened down during daylight.  She tries to ignore the encroaching darkness by smothering it with other memories; brighter, whiter, shinier memories.  Days in the sun carefully watching teenagers in school playgrounds making sure they aren’t too close or too excitable or too naughty.  A job she enjoyed.  She lets those pictures crowd-in and hopes it will be enough; its futile of course.  It is never enough and she knows it.

Tonight the darker visions come creeping, edging their way into her consciousness.  Tabitha inhales deeply, holds her breath for just the briefest moment, then croakily, she whispers, a keening, aching whisper “why have you forsaken me?”  There is no reply.  The room is silent.  But she waits because this time she expects an answer.  It doesn’t come.  Her brittle fist thumps the bed beside her and a hoarse, angry whelp escapes her.  “Why is my imperfection not enough?  I am not a god.  Why can’t you”… she stops abruptly.  Barely a sound escapes her lips, “… save me”?

Minutes pass; the woman lays unmoving.  Her anger leeches out of her slowly, in inverse proportion to the oncoming raft of black memory.

A hidden corner of the playground, a group of snarling boys approach.

She reaches for the pills and swallows 2 dry.

Her wrists and legs pinned, tearing and kicking.

Sleep is poking its way into her brain.

Aching thighs and unknown wetness.

Slumber grabs hold of her eyelids.

A glint and thick blood everywhere.

Sleep wipes the boys from sight and carries her away.  For now.

Manboob Monday #19: Hello Boys!


You know, it wouldn’t be creepy if guy on right wasn’t enjoying quite it so much…

Tuesday Timeshift #15: District 9

district9_3Can’t be bothered reading an entire review? Check out my Haiku Film Review. Otherwise keep reading!

If you’ve somehow managed to miss all the advertising, the internet chatter, the general hype-i-ness that is District 9 let me take you back.

A couple of years ago, South African ad director Neill Blomkamp made a little short film called Alive in Joburg.  It traversed the globe quickly, thanks to that handy little distribution channel you and I know as YouTube, because it was clearly high quality (and had a decent budget) but mostly because it’s an intriguing idea.

How would we treat refugee aliens marooned on our planet?  According to Neill, not all that nicely.

Peter Jackson – yes, that Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings) – thought that might make for an interesting feature film.  Ch-ching!  It sure does.

Uber-real, tense, graphic, sad, interesting… how many more adjectives can I use?  Just be glad I haven’t started in on the superlatives yet.  It’s a film that defies it’s sci-fi label because the fact that they are aliens is somewhat irrelevant.  It could be any disenfranchised refugee group.  Setting the movie in Johannesburg, while natural due to the films origins, is poignant because it is a city which today still struggles with significant race issues.

It’s got the requisite extremely effective CGI and the appropriately chest thumping explosions, don’t get me wrong.  But just don’t write District 9 off as a sci-fi movie or a boy movie or whatever cliche’s you want to to apply.  It will surprise and entertain but it also has a very serious point.  Not just on the grand scale of mass refugees but it can be boiled down to more local, more immediate circumstances.  When you treat those weak than you like animals or criminals they may well rise to meet your expectations.  This is a lesson that we’ve seen time and again in our refugee detention centres that we don’t seem to really learn.

Or you can ignore all that and just see an entertaining film.  Either way, go see it!

Opens everywhere this Thursday.

Manboob Monday #18: Manboobs & Booze, Just Say No


Bless your cotton socks mate! You should probably have called it a night when you pissed your pants though.

Ever sent a fan letter?

Remember when you were a kid and you got so into an author or an actor or a musician that you penned a letter, and you (shock horror) got one in return?

I am putting together a website which is a collection of photos/scans/transcriptions of those letters to kids from famous people. So if you have a one let me know.

Submit a letter!  Pretty please!

Yes PJ Harvey, I Will Lick Your Legs

There is a phrase which makes me barf like a 6-year old in a McDonalds playground.  It is “ladies of a certain age”.  Seriously, WTF?  How old are we talking here? 35… 40… 50?

And what does it even mean?  It’s says to me that we are expected to somehow become more dignified, less frivolous and disinterested in the things of our youth.  You know, outrageous things like falling passionately in love with a band or singer; listening to one song over and over so many times the neighbours start knocking on your door; getting so drunk you forget that your hands and feet actually serve different purposes; pulling absurd poses for no good reason other than to amuse yourself & your friends; explosively loud laughter in a public place that makes passers-by frown disapprovingly;  singing & dancing in your loungeroom with your best friend just cos it’s Friday night.

But I love these things.  I can’t be expected to give up such vast chunks of myself just because I found a grey pube for christs sake.*

I will agree to one thing and one thing only.  If A-N-Y-ONE starts discussing my actual age from here on in, I will give you paper cuts all over the fleshy bit on the inside of your upper arm.  I will then proceed to pour a bucket of lemon juice over you.  This refusal to talk numbers will be my only foray into the so-called delicacies of aging.

As to the rest?  Well.  Colour me inapropriate.

There are a few lovely ladies in the public eye (all older than me too – bonus!) who’ve managed to keep their sass regardless of age.

pjharvey cameron_diaz_2009_golden_globe_awards_1.0.0.0x0.400x576 15_Gwen Stefani 37
PJ Harvey Cameron Diaz Gwen Stefani
drew-barrymore meg_white kim-gordon-urban-outfitters-collab
Drew Barrymore Meg White Kim Gordon

Ok perhaps Gwen is a bit of a stretch but I reckon Kim and Polly Jean more than make up for it.

So who do you think still has it?  Pick one of my suggestions or enter your own.  Someone who’s no longer a contemporary in age, of say Beth Ditto (The Gossip); Allison Mosshart (The Kills); Ellen Page (Juno) or Evan Rachel Wood (The Wrestler, Running With Scissors), but still walks around with a swagger that makes sure noone notices.  Vote below!

By the way, did I mention it’s my birthday today?  Hurrah!

* I really don’t have any grey pubes.  It’s called literary license.  Seriously.  When that day comes, you will know.  There will be gnashing of teeth and a great thundering wail.

101 Methods for Mouse Masturbation

stuart-little-2-1Scientists have made a brilliant discovery that may help overweight people lose weight by converting sugar into heat rather than storing it as fat. To quote New Scientist magazine “Bruce Spiegelman at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston [has] shown that foreskin cells from mice can be changed into brown fat cells. When injected… the cells burned sugar that would otherwise have been stored”.

Awesome. Fabulous. I’ll just go get myself some teeny little tweezers shall I? I mean, how exactly does one spank the mousey, as it were?

Now fatties are expected to carry one of those little plastic pet-shop cases packed with 3 bucks a day (“buck” being the term for a male mouse – duh!)? At the end of each meal you pull out another unfortunate future miniature eunuch and tug one off?

What happens if it’s a little chilly that day? Shrinkage could seriously hamper my progress.  So, how exactly do I warm the little fella up? I just don’t know that my thumb and forefinger are really all that nimble. I mean, I don’t want to break anything. For that matter, I’m not overly keen on getting a palmful of Mus Musculus* spunk either.

No thanks, I think I’ll stick with the tried and true method of a little 2-fingered post-meal assistance, like any self-respecting woman.

Jewish rodents need not apply.

* scientific name for the common house mouse.  Bet you didn’t know that before you started reading this piece of intellectual genius now did you?