Yes PJ Harvey, I Will Lick Your Legs

There is a phrase which makes me barf like a 6-year old in a McDonalds playground.  It is “ladies of a certain age”.  Seriously, WTF?  How old are we talking here? 35… 40… 50?

And what does it even mean?  It’s says to me that we are expected to somehow become more dignified, less frivolous and disinterested in the things of our youth.  You know, outrageous things like falling passionately in love with a band or singer; listening to one song over and over so many times the neighbours start knocking on your door; getting so drunk you forget that your hands and feet actually serve different purposes; pulling absurd poses for no good reason other than to amuse yourself & your friends; explosively loud laughter in a public place that makes passers-by frown disapprovingly;  singing & dancing in your loungeroom with your best friend just cos it’s Friday night.

But I love these things.  I can’t be expected to give up such vast chunks of myself just because I found a grey pube for christs sake.*

I will agree to one thing and one thing only.  If A-N-Y-ONE starts discussing my actual age from here on in, I will give you paper cuts all over the fleshy bit on the inside of your upper arm.  I will then proceed to pour a bucket of lemon juice over you.  This refusal to talk numbers will be my only foray into the so-called delicacies of aging.

As to the rest?  Well.  Colour me inapropriate.

There are a few lovely ladies in the public eye (all older than me too – bonus!) who’ve managed to keep their sass regardless of age.

PJ Harvey	Cameron Diaz	Gwen Stefani
Drew Barrymore	Meg White	Kim Gordon

Ok perhaps Gwen is a bit of a stretch but I reckon Kim and Polly Jean more than make up for it.

So who do you think still has it?  Pick one of my suggestions or enter your own.  Someone who’s no longer a contemporary in age, of say Beth Ditto (The Gossip); Allison Mosshart (The Kills); Ellen Page (Juno) or Evan Rachel Wood (The Wrestler, Running With Scissors), but still walks around with a swagger that makes sure noone notices.  Vote below!

By the way, did I mention it’s my birthday today?  Hurrah!

* I really don’t have any grey pubes.  It’s called literary license.  Seriously.  When that day comes, you will know.  There will be gnashing of teeth and a great thundering wail.

I’ll Give You a Fucking Tree

Prepare yourself for the worst lyrics ever written…

I’m a tree, golden and free
I spend my days thinking of me
I’m a tree, golden and free
Neglecting you comes naturally

Brown roots and yellow leaves
Strong roots, strong roots, photosyntheses

– He’s a Tree by Margaret Helen King

Apologies if you just vurped a little.  I just want to punch Margaret Helen King in the fucking gullet… and the gusset…

You too can hear the joy at http://triplejunearthed.com/Artists/View.aspx?artistid=1239.

And fuck you Triple J for actually playing that on air. It was so bad I believed it to be a joke. Thus I had to check the Unearthed site to be sure and so was forced to listen to it AGAIN you pricks! A joke it is not.

An Open Letter to FBi Radio

If you are not from Sydney, you don’t know or care what FBi radio is.  So for you, we will resume normal transmission at a later date.

Dear FBi,

I want to love you, I do.  You’re more fresh than Triple J and well, I’m not 16 so you are definitely more suited to my demographic.  You’re certainly cooler, and way more “on the pulse”.  (Jesus Christ.  Let me never utter that phrase ever again).  You play a wider range of music than Triple J, which is interesting and challenging to my tastebuds.  You have everything going for you.

And yet I cannot commit to you.

I compare you to Triple J because frankly the rest are all bollocks and  I haven’t listened to anything else since I was 13.  When you launched I became a supporter and I started flicking over from time to time. But I can’t forsake my past and turn to the light. I have a few ties that bind you see.

• Marieke Hardy
  Really I love her.  I first read an article she wrote in Frankie where she described peeing her pants from laughing while on a date at 14 or something.  Not a cute little splash – a pant soaking drench.  From that moment, I was hooked. Her type of writing is my type of reading (and writing if I’m honest).  Then when she joined Triple J, well…  girl crush “to the max”.
• Robbie Buck
  I feel like I’ve grown up listening to Robbie.  And I don’t wanna leave him.
• Zan Rowe
  She does a good show.  It’s interesting, different stuff goes on every day and she’s got pretty good taste in music.  And most importantly, she is the only female DJ on Triple J that isn’t completely and utterly arse (I discount MH because she’s more about the words than the DJing).
• Your DJs
  They all seem to take themselves a little bit seriously, you know.  Like I am a “Music Lover” as evidenced by my presence her on a proper radio station.
• Your Fucking Irritating Sponsorship Announcements
  If I have to hear about Katy Welsh from Surry Hills who’s become a sponsor one more time, I’m going to take Katy out the back, shove a brandy-soaked dildo up her and set the goddam thing alight.  I don’t give a flying fuck who’s donated $8 to your station.  Get off your arse, stop looking for a hand out and get some more advertising dollars.
• Jay Katz and Miss Death.
  Just arse.  Nothing more.  Jay fucking irritating Katz.  Or Jamie smug movie guy whatever you name is.  Just arse I say!

I’m just saying… relax a little, don’t take yourself so seriously, don’t try and be wacky (Katz, you fucker) and no more sponsor-love ok?  About the rest, I don’t know what you can do about that.  Maybe you gotta spend money to make some, find a gem of a funny, relaxed brekky DJ and pay them decent dosh so they don’t leave you for the Jays?  I dunno.  Business development not my forte.

Feel free to ignore me and continue on as before.

Signed,

Someone who, frankly, can’t be arsed switching channels
xoxo

Lists of Joy & Harmony: #5 Triple J Hottest 100 2008

Or should that be 2009? I dunno… it’s for songs from 2008 but it’s voted in 2009….

What I Voted For (in no particular order)…

• Ben Folds – You Don’t Know Me (Ft. Regina Spektor)   –   #16
• Custom Kings – Red Sails
• Do, The – On My Shoulder
• Is (aka Tom Ugly) – Cult Romance
• Kate Nash – Mouthwash
• Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds – Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!   –   #35
• Santogold and Julian Casablancas – My Drive Thru
• She and Him – Why Do You Let Me Stay Here
• Vampire Weekend – Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa   –   #58
• Yael Naim – New Soul

And the songs I WANTED to vote for but ran out of space for (again in no particular order)… and trust me when I say that leaving some of these out nearly killed me… literally… ok, well NOT literally, but a lot!

• Bjork – Nattura (Ft. Thom Yorke)
• Children Collide – Farewell Rocketship   –   #66
• Emiliana Torrini – Jungle Drum   –   #42
• Empire Of The Sun – Half Mast
• Fleet Foxes – White Winter Hymnal   –   #65
• Fleet Foxes – He Doesn’t Know Why
• Goldfrapp – Happiness
• Josh Pyke – The Lighthouse Song   –   #27
• Laura Marling – You’re No God
• Laura Marling – Ghosts   –   #43
• MGMT – Electric Feel   –   #2
• MGMT – Kids   –   #5
• Santogold – L.E.S Artistes   –   #57
• Ladyhawke – Paris Is Burning
• Mystery Jets – Young Love (Ft. Laura Marling)   –   #49
• You Am I – Erasmus
• Ting Tings – Great DJ
• Empire of the Sun – Walking on a Dream   –   #4

I dunno… I’m wholely unimpressed by this years results… the top 10 is so boring and predictable I could fall asleep in a bucket of sulpherous poo while being nipple-crippled by Johnny Depp…

The final 100 were….

• #1 – Kings of Leon – Sex on Fire
• #2 – MGMT – Electric Feel
• #3 – Kings of Leon – Use Somebody
• #4 – Empire of the Sun – Walking On A Dream
• #5 – MGMT – Kids
• #6 – The Presets – Talk Like That
• #7 – Pez – The Festival Song(feat. 360 and Hailey Cramer)
• #8 – The Presets – This Boy’s In Love
• #9 – The Ting Tings – That’s Not My Name
• #10 – Drapht – Jimmy Recard
• #11 – Ladyhawke – My Delirium
• #12 – Pnau – Embrace
• #13 – The Herd – The King Is Dead
• #14 – The Rapture – No Sex For Ben
• #15 – Cut Copy – Lights and Music
• #16 – Ben Folds – You Don’t Know Me (feat. Regina Spektor)
• #17 – Dizzee Rascal – Dance Wiv Me (feat. Calvin Harris and Chrome)
• #18 – MGMT – Time To Pretend
• #19 – Flight Of The Conchords – Business Time
• #20 – Birds Of Tokyo – Broken Bones
• #21 – Bon Iver – Skinny Love
• #22 – Birds Of Tokyo – Silhouettic
• #23 – The Living End – White Noise
• #24 – Kings of Leon – Closer
• #25 – Kaiser Chiefs – Never Miss A Beat
• #26 – Ladyhawke – Paris Is Burning
• #27 – Josh Pyke – The Lighthouse Song
• #28 – Architecture In Helsinki – That Beep
• #29 – Josh Pyke – Make You Happy
• #30 – Vampire Weekend – Oxford Comma
• #31 – Cog – Bird Of Feather
• #32 – Vampire Weekend – A-Punk
• #33 – The Kooks – Always Where I Need To Be
• #34 – The Grates – Burn Bridges
• #35 – Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!
• #36 – Death Cab For Cutie – I Will Possess Your Heart
• #37 – British India – I Said I’m Sorry
• #38 – Cold War Kids – Something Is Not Right With Me
• #39 – Ida Maria – I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked
• #40 – Bliss N Eso – Eye Of The Storm
• #41 – Soko – I Will Never Love You More
• #42 – Emiliana Torrini – Jungle Drum
• #43 – Laura Marling – Ghosts
• #44 – Art vs Science – Flippers
• #45 – Muscles – Ice Cream {triple j live acoustic version}
• #46 – Lily Allen – The Fear
• #47 – Little Red – Coca Cola
• #48 – Something With Numbers – Stay With Me Bright Eyes
• #49 – Mystery Jets – Young Love (feat. Laura Marling)
• #50 – Ash Grunwald – Breakout
• #51 – Birds of Tokyo – Wild Eyed Boy
• #52 – The Killers – Human
• #53 – The Butterfly Effect – Window and the Watcher
• #54 – Pnau – Baby
• #55 – Ween – Your Party
• #56 – The Presets – Yippiyo-Ay
• #57 – Santogold – L.E.S Artistes
• #58 – Vampire Weekend – Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa
• #59 – The Getaway Plan – Where the City Meets The Sea
• #60 – Flight of the Conchords – The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room
• #61 – Bliss N Eso – The Sea is Rising
• #62 – Faker – Sleepwalking
• #63 – The Herd – 2020
• #64 – Does It Offend You, Yeah? – Dawn of the Dead
• #65 – Fleet Foxes – White Winter Hymnal
• #66 – Children Collide – Farewell Rocketship
• #67 – Flight of the Conchords – Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros
• #68 – Empire of the Sun – We are the People
• #69 – Hot Chip – Ready for the Floor
• #70 – Kings of Leon – Crawl
• #71 – Vampire Weekend – One(Blake’s got a New Face)
• #72 – Band of Horses – No One’s Gonna Love You
• #73 – The Killers – Spaceman
• #74 – Black Kids – I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You
• #75 – Tame Impala – Half Full Glass Of Wine
• #76 – Yves Klein Blue – Polka
• #77 – Drapht – Falling
• #78 – The Ting Tings – Shut Up and Let Me Go
• #79 – Sparkadia – Jealousy
• #80 – The Grates – Aw Yeah
• #81 – Weezer – Pork and Beans
• #82 – Franz Ferdinand – Ulysses
• #83 – The Grates – Carve Your Name
• #84 – Rise Against – Re-education (Through Labor)
• #85 – Gyroscope – 1981
• #86 – Muph & Plutonic – Beautiful Ugly
• #87 – Jack White & Alicia Keys – Another Way To Die
• #88 – Metallica – The Day That Never Comes
• #89 – Kanye West – Love Lockdown
• #90 – Lily Allen – Guess Who Batman? (Aka F**ck You)
• #91 – Lisa Mitchell – Nepolitan Dreams
• #92 – Pendulum – Propane Nightmares
• #93 – Sigur Ros – Gobbledigook
• #94 – Bliss n Eso – Woodstock 2008
• #95 – Wiley – Wearing My Rolex
• #96 – Dizzee Rascal – Flex (Dave Spoon Reflex)
• #97 – Cog – Are You Interested
• #98 – Lyrics Born – I like It, I love It
• #99 – Muph & Plutonic – Don’t Worry About Nothin’
• #100 – Dukes of Windsor – It’s a War