Yes PJ Harvey, I Will Lick Your Legs

There is a phrase which makes me barf like a 6-year old in a McDonalds playground. ¬†It is “ladies of a certain age”. ¬†Seriously, WTF? ¬†How old are we talking here? 35… 40… 50?

And what does it even mean? ¬†It’s says to me that we are expected to somehow become more dignified, less frivolous and disinterested in the things of our youth. ¬†You know, outrageous things like falling passionately in love with a band or singer; listening to one song over and over so many times the neighbours start knocking on your door; getting so drunk you forget that your hands and feet actually serve different purposes; pulling absurd poses for no good reason other than to amuse yourself & your friends; explosively loud laughter in a public place that makes passers-by frown disapprovingly; ¬†singing & dancing¬†in your loungeroom with your best friend just cos it’s Friday night.

But I love these things. ¬†I can’t be expected to give up such vast chunks of myself just because I found a grey pube for christs sake.*

I will agree to one thing and one thing only.  If A-N-Y-ONE starts discussing my actual age from here on in, I will give you paper cuts all over the fleshy bit on the inside of your upper arm.  I will then proceed to pour a bucket of lemon juice over you.  This refusal to talk numbers will be my only foray into the so-called delicacies of aging.

As to the rest?  Well.  Colour me inapropriate.

There are a few lovely ladies in the public eye (all older than me too – bonus!) who’ve managed to keep their sass regardless of age.

pjharvey cameron_diaz_2009_golden_globe_awards_1.0.0.0x0.400x576 15_Gwen Stefani 37
PJ Harvey Cameron Diaz Gwen Stefani
drew-barrymore meg_white kim-gordon-urban-outfitters-collab
Drew Barrymore Meg White Kim Gordon

Ok perhaps Gwen is a bit of a stretch but I reckon Kim and Polly Jean more than make up for it.

So who do you think still has it? ¬†Pick one of my suggestions or enter your own. ¬†Someone who’s no longer a contemporary in age, of say Beth Ditto (The Gossip); Allison Mosshart (The Kills); Ellen Page (Juno) or Evan Rachel Wood (The Wrestler, Running With Scissors), but still walks around with a swagger that makes sure noone notices. ¬†Vote below!

By the way, did I mention it’s my birthday today? ¬†Hurrah!

* I really don’t have any grey pubes. ¬†It’s called literary license. ¬†Seriously. ¬†When that day comes, you will know. ¬†There will be gnashing of teeth and a great thundering wail.

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I’ll Give You a Fucking Tree

Prepare yourself for the worst lyrics ever written…

I’m a tree, golden and free
I spend my days thinking of me
I’m a tree, golden and free
Neglecting you comes naturally

Brown roots and yellow leaves
Strong roots, strong roots, photosyntheses

– He’s a Tree by Margaret Helen King

Apologies if you just vurped a little. ¬†I just want to punch Margaret Helen King in the fucking gullet… and the gusset…

You too can hear the joy at http://triplejunearthed.com/Artists/View.aspx?artistid=1239.

And fuck you Triple J for actually playing that on air. It was so bad I believed it to be a joke. Thus I had to check the Unearthed site to be sure and so was forced to listen to it AGAIN you pricks! A joke it is not.

An Open Letter to FBi Radio

060609104543_savefbi455If you are not from Sydney, you don’t know or care what FBi radio is. ¬†So for you, we will resume normal transmission at a later date.

Dear FBi,

I want to love you, I do. ¬†You’re more fresh than Triple J and well, I’m not 16 so you are definitely more suited to my demographic. ¬†You’re certainly cooler, and way more “on the pulse”. ¬†(Jesus Christ. ¬†Let me never utter that phrase ever again). ¬†You play a wider range of music than Triple J, which is interesting and challenging to my tastebuds. ¬†You have everything going for you.

And yet I cannot commit to you.

I compare you to Triple J because frankly the rest are all bollocks and ¬†I haven’t listened to anything else since I was 13. ¬†When you launched I became a supporter and I started flicking over from time to time. But I can’t forsake my past and turn to the light. I have a few ties that bind you see.

  • Marieke Hardy
    Really I love her. ¬†I first read an article she wrote in Frankie where she described peeing her pants from laughing while on a date at 14 or something. ¬†Not a cute little splash – a pant soaking drench. ¬†From that moment, I was hooked. Her type of writing is my type of reading (and writing if I’m honest). ¬†Then when she joined Triple J, well… ¬†girl crush “to the max”.
  • Robbie Buck
    I feel like I’ve grown up listening to Robbie. ¬†And I don’t wanna leave him.
  • Zan Rowe
    She does a good show. ¬†It’s interesting, different stuff goes on every day and she’s got pretty good taste in music. ¬†And most importantly, she is the only female DJ on Triple J that isn’t completely and utterly arse (I discount MH because she’s more about the words than the DJing).
  • Your DJs
    They all seem to take themselves a little bit seriously, you know. ¬†Like I am a “Music Lover” as evidenced by my presence her on a proper radio station.
  • Your Fucking Irritating Sponsorship Announcements
    If I have to hear about Katy Welsh from Surry Hills who’s become a sponsor one more time, I’m going to take Katy out the back, shove a brandy-soaked dildo up her and set the goddam thing alight. ¬†I don’t give a flying fuck who’s donated $8 to your station. ¬†Get off your arse, stop looking for a hand out and get some more advertising dollars.
  • Jay Katz and Miss Death.
    Just arse.  Nothing more.  Jay fucking irritating Katz.  Or Jamie smug movie guy whatever you name is.  Just arse I say!

I’m just saying… relax a little, don’t take yourself so seriously, don’t try and be wacky (Katz, you fucker) and no more sponsor-love ok? ¬†About the rest, I don’t know what you can do about that. ¬†Maybe you gotta spend money to make some, find a gem of a funny, relaxed brekky DJ and pay them decent dosh so they don’t leave you for the Jays? ¬†I dunno. ¬†Business development not my forte.

Feel free to ignore me and continue on as before.

Signed,

Someone who, frankly, can’t be arsed switching channels
xoxo

Lists of Joy & Harmony: #5 Triple J Hottest 100 2008

hottest100 Or should that be 2009? I dunno… it’s for songs from 2008 but it’s voted in 2009….

What I Voted For (in no particular order)…

  • Ben Folds – You Don’t Know Me (Ft. Regina Spektor)¬†¬† –¬†¬† #16
  • Custom Kings – Red Sails
  • Do, The – On My Shoulder
  • Is (aka Tom Ugly) – Cult Romance
  • Kate Nash – Mouthwash
  • Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds – Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!¬†¬† –¬†¬† #35
  • Santogold and Julian Casablancas – My Drive Thru
  • She and Him – Why Do You Let Me Stay Here
  • Vampire Weekend – Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa¬†¬† –¬†¬† #58
  • Yael Naim – New Soul

And the songs I WANTED to vote for but ran out of space for (again in no particular order)… and trust me when I say that leaving some of these out nearly killed me… literally… ok, well NOT literally, but a lot!

  • Bjork – Nattura (Ft. Thom Yorke)
  • Children Collide – Farewell Rocketship¬†¬† –¬†¬† #66
  • Emiliana Torrini – Jungle Drum¬†¬† –¬†¬† #42
  • Empire Of The Sun – Half Mast
  • Fleet Foxes – White Winter Hymnal¬†¬† –¬†¬† #65
  • Fleet Foxes – He Doesn’t Know Why
  • Goldfrapp – Happiness
  • Josh Pyke – The Lighthouse Song¬†¬† –¬†¬† #27
  • Laura Marling – You’re No God
  • Laura Marling – Ghosts¬†¬† –¬†¬† #43
  • MGMT – Electric Feel¬†¬† –¬†¬† #2
  • MGMT – Kids ¬† –¬†¬† #5
  • Santogold – L.E.S Artistes¬†¬† –¬†¬† #57
  • Ladyhawke – Paris Is Burning
  • Mystery Jets – Young Love (Ft. Laura Marling)¬†¬† –¬†¬† #49
  • You Am I – Erasmus
  • Ting Tings – Great DJ
  • Empire of the Sun – Walking on a Dream¬†¬† –¬†¬† #4

I dunno… I’m wholely unimpressed by this years results… the top 10 is so boring and predictable I could fall asleep in a bucket of sulpherous poo while being nipple-crippled by Johnny Depp…

The final 100 were….

  • #1 – Kings of Leon – Sex on Fire
  • #2 – MGMT – Electric Feel
  • #3 – Kings of Leon – Use Somebody
  • #4 – Empire of the Sun – Walking On A Dream
  • #5 – MGMT – Kids
  • #6 – The Presets – Talk Like That
  • #7 – Pez – The Festival Song(feat. 360 and Hailey Cramer)
  • #8 – The Presets – This Boy’s In Love
  • #9 – The Ting Tings – That’s Not My Name
  • #10 – Drapht – Jimmy Recard
  • #11 – Ladyhawke – My Delirium
  • #12 – Pnau – Embrace
  • #13 – The Herd – The King Is Dead
  • #14 – The Rapture – No Sex For Ben
  • #15 – Cut Copy – Lights and Music
  • #16 – Ben Folds – You Don’t Know Me (feat. Regina Spektor)
  • #17 – Dizzee Rascal – Dance Wiv Me (feat. Calvin Harris and Chrome)
  • #18 – MGMT – Time To Pretend
  • #19 – Flight Of The Conchords – Business Time
  • #20 – Birds Of Tokyo – Broken Bones
  • #21 – Bon Iver – Skinny Love
  • #22 – Birds Of Tokyo – Silhouettic
  • #23 – The Living End – White Noise
  • #24 – Kings of Leon – Closer
  • #25 – Kaiser Chiefs – Never Miss A Beat
  • #26 – Ladyhawke – Paris Is Burning
  • #27 – Josh Pyke – The Lighthouse Song
  • #28 – Architecture In Helsinki – That Beep
  • #29 – Josh Pyke – Make You Happy
  • #30 – Vampire Weekend – Oxford Comma
  • #31 – Cog – Bird Of Feather
  • #32 – Vampire Weekend – A-Punk
  • #33 – The Kooks – Always Where I Need To Be
  • #34 – The Grates – Burn Bridges
  • #35 – Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!
  • #36 – Death Cab For Cutie – I Will Possess Your Heart
  • #37 – British India – I Said I’m Sorry
  • #38 – Cold War Kids – Something Is Not Right With Me
  • #39 – Ida Maria – I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked
  • #40 – Bliss N Eso – Eye Of The Storm
  • #41 – Soko – I Will Never Love You More
  • #42 – Emiliana Torrini – Jungle Drum
  • #43 – Laura Marling – Ghosts
  • #44 – Art vs Science – Flippers
  • #45 – Muscles – Ice Cream {triple j live acoustic version}
  • #46 – Lily Allen – The Fear
  • #47 – Little Red – Coca Cola
  • #48 – Something With Numbers – Stay With Me Bright Eyes
  • #49 – Mystery Jets – Young Love (feat. Laura Marling)
  • #50 – Ash Grunwald – Breakout
  • #51 – Birds of Tokyo – Wild Eyed Boy
  • #52 – The Killers – Human
  • #53 – The Butterfly Effect – Window and the Watcher
  • #54 – Pnau – Baby
  • #55 – Ween – Your Party
  • #56 – The Presets – Yippiyo-Ay
  • #57 – Santogold – L.E.S Artistes
  • #58 – Vampire Weekend – Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa
  • #59 – The Getaway Plan – Where the City Meets The Sea
  • #60 – Flight of the Conchords – The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room
  • #61 – Bliss N Eso – The Sea is Rising
  • #62 – Faker – Sleepwalking
  • #63 – The Herd – 2020
  • #64 – Does It Offend You, Yeah? – Dawn of the Dead
  • #65 – Fleet Foxes – White Winter Hymnal
  • #66 – Children Collide – Farewell Rocketship
  • #67 – Flight of the Conchords – Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros
  • #68 – Empire of the Sun – We are the People
  • #69 – Hot Chip – Ready for the Floor
  • #70 – Kings of Leon – Crawl
  • #71 – Vampire Weekend – One(Blake’s got a New Face)
  • #72 – Band of Horses – No One’s Gonna Love You
  • #73 – The Killers – Spaceman
  • #74 – Black Kids – I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You
  • #75 – Tame Impala – Half Full Glass Of Wine
  • #76 – Yves Klein Blue – Polka
  • #77 – Drapht – Falling
  • #78 – The Ting Tings – Shut Up and Let Me Go
  • #79 – Sparkadia – Jealousy
  • #80 – The Grates – Aw Yeah
  • #81 – Weezer – Pork and Beans
  • #82 – Franz Ferdinand – Ulysses
  • #83 – The Grates – Carve Your Name
  • #84 – Rise Against – Re-education (Through Labor)
  • #85 – Gyroscope – 1981
  • #86 – Muph & Plutonic – Beautiful Ugly
  • #87 – Jack White & Alicia Keys – Another Way To Die
  • #88 – Metallica – The Day That Never Comes
  • #89 – Kanye West – Love Lockdown
  • #90 – Lily Allen – Guess Who Batman? (Aka F**ck You)
  • #91 – Lisa Mitchell – Nepolitan Dreams
  • #92 – Pendulum – Propane Nightmares
  • #93 – Sigur Ros – Gobbledigook
  • #94 – Bliss n Eso – Woodstock 2008
  • #95 – Wiley – Wearing My Rolex
  • #96 – Dizzee Rascal – Flex (Dave Spoon Reflex)
  • #97 – Cog – Are You Interested
  • #98 – Lyrics Born – I like It, I love It
  • #99 – Muph & Plutonic – Don’t Worry About Nothin’
  • #100 – Dukes of Windsor – It’s a War