Manboob Monday #10: The Former Mr Minelli

David Guest is just scary lookin’.  Isn’t it weird that Liza Minelli married someone who kinda looks like her?  Boobs and all.

David Guest Manboobs

Might as Well Face it, I’m Addicted

Last medicineA terrible thing happened this morning. My heart was racing, I broke out in a cold sweat and I felt something rise up into my throat. I was in panic. And I don’t mean this figuratively. In my panic, I thrashed around like NASA naming a space station, searching for the cause of my problem.  I checked everything and everywhere.  I called everyone.  


My problem?  My internet wasn’t working.

I’m not kidding.  I felt so lost without access to the world.  Email, twitter, skype, SMH, Crikey.  All dead to me. My once sexy laptop rendered nothing more than a plank of eco-aluminium.  This panic last for a good 20 minutes.  I tried ignoring it and doing some, you know, work, but it sat there, a sick feeling I couldn’t shake. 

Once I had fixed the problem (the plug was loose) and I noticed all my symptoms disappear I realised that it’s time I accept it.  I’m addicted.  Addicted to being connected.

This apparently, is a legitimate addiction, according to KIMBERLY S. YOUNG, Psy.D, sometimes known as Pathological Computer Use  or PCU for the cool kids (according to the  Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V)) or Pathalogical Internet Use or Internet Addiction.  So I decided to take the test and find out for sure if I too suffer from PCU.  With questions like;  How often do you find that you stay on-line longer than you intended? How often does your job performance or productivity suffer because of the Internet? How often do you check your e-mail before something else that you need to do? How often do you find yourself saying “just a few more minutes” when on-line?  I knew I was screwed.

Fortunately I was nowhere near the “Your Internet usage is causing significant problems in your life. You should evaluate the  impact of the Internet on your life and address the problems directly caused by your Internet usage.”  My score was 53 – which means “You are experiencing occasional or frequent problems because of the Internet. You should consider their full impact on your life.”    

So is it occasional or frequent?  Make up your mind!   Ok, ok… I’m deflecting.  It’s not the end of the world but it’s certainly something worth considering.  Solutions for ‘recovery’ are pretty thin on the ground from what I can tell.

  1. Set a schedule (sounds reasonable… I can do that.)
  2. Write down your goals when you go on the computer (my goals?  what fucking goals?  I don’t know what I’m making for dinner tonight let alone my goals for the next 15 minutes)
  3. Record what you actually do, or install software to monitor your usage  (well, jeez.. then my husband will know I’ve been surfing “Busty Babes Being Anal Probed” and we can’t have that)
  4. Join a support group  (WTF? Hi I’m, John and I’m an internet addict.   I really had to hit rock bottom before… blah blah blah… hmmm… the junk masters will laugh you off the podium and take away your instant coffee and Nice biscuit quick smart).
  5. Take a technology holiday  (am I allowed to bring my laptop with me? You know, just to watch a DVD if it rains?)
  6. Watch less TV (ah, hello?  shouldn’t I be watching MORE TV?)
  7. Try counseling or psychotherapy  (ah yes, the give-me-money angle)

Yeah.. so I’ll get on that.  ASAP.  Sure.  But first, let me just google some more ‘treatment’ suggestions.

Tuesday Timeshift: #7 Knowing

 knowing-poster-580x858.jpgKnowing is the new film from Aussie director, Alex Proyas (The Crow, Dark City, I Robot). It’s a horror/thriller/sci-fi/supernatural.  Apparently, I or the film, are genre-confused; or genre-curious.  Let’s just say, it’s hard to pin down.  Anymore info than that is gonna spoil the ride.  And what a ride it is.

The effects in this film are quite simply, extraordinary.  The direction given was for realism and boy do they achieve it.  I KNOW that these are effects because they are physically impossible but damn, it looks so real I want to believe.  The FX really are the star of Knowing. 

As opposed to, say, it’s lead actor, Nicolas Cage as MIT cosmetology… no wait, cosmology, uber genius (gosh, lucky!), John Kroestler.  Cage is at his usual wooden, emotionally awkward best.  Fortunately, everyone else is warm, believable and gentle (including the 2 child actors).  Rose Byrne, as token woman, could do with a little less screeching, but hey, whaddya gonna do when there are freakish Whisper Men supposedly after your kid?  Who am I to judge? And, if you keep you eyes open, you’ll catch a glimpse of Play School’s Benita (a fond childhood memory for the Gen X crowd) as John’s (Cage) mother.

One of my favourite, and oh so rare, film experiences is when I feel as surprised, scared and on tenterhooks as the characters. From moment to moment (for the most part), you’re never quite sure how things are gonna pan out or where you’re heading.   I rode that wave!  

Sure the reveal scene is cheesy (again, no thanks to Cage) but I just don’t care.  Knowing is just great fun.  It’s unpredictable, seriously creepy and well worth a big screen viewing!

Opens March 26th.

Manboob Monday: #9 The Skinhead

Tough, scary, rascist and boob-a-licious!  I pity the kid in the photo… what a terrible legacy to inherit…


Tuesday Timeshift: #6 Acolytes (Film)

acolytes_scene_01Saw a new aussie horror flick called Acolytes last night, starring a raft of pretty young things and the ever-intriguing Joel Edgerton.

I enjoy the horror genre but I so very rarely enjoy horror movies because they tend to be tediously unsurprising and lacking in any sort of sense of dread or creepiness.  In short, I never get scared!

Acolytes is a pretty good horror movie.  It’s suitably tense & creepy, the core idea is interesting and it’s has a nice little twist to it.   The 3 key roles are filled by actors who really do have the chutzpah to pull it off.  Annoyingly the other 2 do not.

The film centres around three teenagers who are bored and angry… and seemingly lacking in any sort of parental presence. Sebastian Gregory in the lead role is impressive – he’s surprisingly mature and effective, delivering light and shade in just the right way.  Edgerton is sufficiently icky as suburban serial killer, Ian Wright.  As was so correctly pointed out to me before the film began, kiwi-actor Michael Dorman , as local thug Gary Parker, is destined for great things.  His role is small in Acolytes and I wanted more! 

However… and I know you can hear it in my tone… there is a few big howevers.  

There are two young actors that have very large roles in this film and frankly, they just weren’t up to it.  Chasely, played by Hanna Mangan Lawrence isn’t terrible, she scrapes by and I suspect it was clunky dialogue early on that let her down.  Although what the hell sort of name is Chasely?  It’s odd and they say it so often that it acts as a distraction.  Painful, in his role as James, was Joshua Payne.  Seriously awful.  

In terms of the film, well, I don’t want to give anything away but the supposed ‘big twist’ (as opposed to the aforementioned ‘nice little twist’) just isn’t handled well.  Frankly, it shouldn’t have been a twist, it should, in my opinion, have been the starting point for act 2 not the end point of act 3.  The twist was the interesting part of the film, the “drama”, the heart of it … but it wasn’t given enough space.  I blame crappy script editing – it just needed a few more drafts and a more experienced eye to give it a once over. 

Given the requisite re-writes and recasting, Acolytes really could have been excellent.  Far better than Wolf Creek.  Sadly, inexperience is what let it down.

Acolytes has been doing the film festival circuit but doesn’t seem to be picking up any distributors as it has no release dates. Shame. Ah what’s coulda been!

Free Air Guitar

Sure… it’s cheesy but it made me smile and sometimes that’s exactly watcha need….


Laziness is a curse

bindiI’ve always wanted to be ‘talented’. I don’t need to a wunderkind… but I’d just like to be great at something… and to be passionate and driven. Sadly, I’m not. I’m above average at most everything but great at nothing. It’s a terrible burden to bear…

Last night I saw the film Rachel Getting Married – the one Anne “more boring than a vanilla Vienetta” Hathaway got an Oscar nod for.  It’s a film about family and the inherent disfunction – it’s about the truism that family never love us the way we want them to.  I sat through that movie with envy in my heart.

Why envious?   Well, isn’t my family just as fucked up?  Don’t I have a wellspring of angsty fodder buried and waiting for it’s day on the silver screen?  I’m pretty good with those word-type things… is it too much to ask for a little ambition and drive too?

And yet, I sit at the goddam computer with a blank page staring at me… I’ll get maybe a page – at the most.. what about the other 119 pages?  Where are they?

According to Angela “I’m such a great writer I have a fun club” Booth (oh for christs sake), the writers curse is perfectionism.  Is she insane?  Perfectionism?  I don’t need it to be perfect, I just want to start the damn thing and maybe finish it too!

Maybe I was born with writers block?


OK so I researched this idea a little… no, really…  here are some suggestions I’ve tried:

Talk to a monkey
I don’t  exactly know what this means, but I have booked myself for a trip to the zoo (overnight no less – gotta get in as much ‘talking’ time as possible) .  I’ll let you know how that pans out.  Contrary to what you’re thinking right now, I’m not joking.   I paid for $240 buckeroos for this so it better feckin work.

Try Freewriting
Yeah, I tried it.  It’s still just gobbledy gook.  But I did learn that I have a strong interest in pillows, baby seals and lasic surgery.  Hopefully not all at the same time.

Vacuum Your Lungs
After I’d put away the dustbuster (snigger), I tried this out.  It’s an old singing trick.  Exhale completely and then bend over.  Close your throat so you don’t breathe  in any air and stand up again.  Keep holding your breath for as long as you can and then breathe.  I passed out.

Add a Ritual Behaviour
The examples given are, drink from a glass of water every 30 seconds or swallow a mentos at the end of every paragraph.  I tried both. My teeth feel like a baboons arse and I can’t leave the house without locking the front door 17 times.

Basically I’m screwed.