Lists of Joy & Harmony: #2 Things I Have Eaten Out of Sheer Laziness

When there’s no time, or I just can’t be fucked… over the years, I’ve made some truly unusual concoctions.   Firstly to the ones that tasted good:

  • baked beans with sour cream, fetta, parsley, tabasco & bbq sauce – on toast
    you know how it is, you’re in a rush, you go to the fridge and you can’t see anything immediately obvious so you just chuck in whatever is within arms reach… sometimes it works other times not so much
  • fried sweet potato biscuits    
    I have a very limited breakfast repertoire… I’m not EVER consuming last nights left-over spaghetti for breaky.  It’s muesli, fruit, croissant, eggs, toast and that’s about it.  Anything else is just too much for my piss-weak gullet (Kazbah on Darling St notwithstanding).  In Japan, we stayed in a traditional japanese style hotel (when in Rome and all that) which also meant a traditional japanese style breakfast of beef soup and raw egg. I tried it once, but it wasn’t for me.  Just outside our hotel was a stand which made these sweet potato biscuity things.  And so began my staple breakfast diet in Tokyo.
  • mouldy lebanese bread
    My stance on mould is fairly egalitarian.  Live and let live I say. A little mould never killed anyone! And with some home-made tabbouli & humous and store-bought felafel it’s an absolute treat!
  • live termites
    so I was hiking and a tad peckish but who wants to stop, sit down & unload when you’re lugging a massive back-pack unless you really need to.  I saw a termite mound, one of my fellow hikers said they were ok to eat so I had a crack at it.  Minty.
  • vegemite & tomato vitawheats
    I don’t feel any need to justify myself here.  It’s just good. Period. 

Now, to the ones that made me want to gag (or the ones that actually made me gag if I’m brutally honest):

  • baked beans with egg and chilli sauce – on toast
    I don’t mean “an egg”, I mean, lightly beaten and added to the baked beans during the cooking process.  I takes on a lovely vomitous texture in the sauce.
  • jelly made from pork blood
    I was in a vietnamese restaurant and I wanted comfort food  – it was cold so I ordered congee, a soupy rice dish that I generally really love.  This traditional-style congee included the aforementioned jelly cut into big squares, some liver, a little kidney and god knows what else.  Kidney and liver I’m ok with – hell, I like pate!  The blood jelly was a little, well, “bloody”, shall we say.  I don’t know if it was laziness so much as sheer determination, I ate most of it.
  • McDonalds breakfast
    What can I say… late for work, young, lazy and stupid.  I’ll tell you right now, I don’t know what that yellow substance but it ain’t cheese that’s for sure. 
  • chicken, fetta and parsley omelette
    Well, what’s wrong with that you say?  Nothing if the chicken wasn’t a tad worse for wear and probably should have been thrown out 2 days ago. 
  • prawns eyes
    It was for a bet.  Sure I won but in hindsight I could probably have happily lost this bet. 
  • a goldfish
    Again a bet.  This time there were vast amount of alcohol involved.  I pulled it straight from the tank, alive and dropped it into my mouth. I figured a pre-drop mouthful of milk would help line my mouth and throat so I wouldn’t feel it wriggling around.  I was right.  Ok so I didn’t gag at the time but even writing about it now makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. 
  • knishes
    take some potato, roll it into a turd shape, cover it in breadcrumbs and fry it.  Jews and food should not be mixed.   Take matzoh balls for christs sake!  Here, eat some cardboard with your soup… yummy!
  • reuben sandwich
    ok so I’m in NY at the famous Carnegie Deli so I order this thing I know nothing about except that it’s a classic.  Imagine… about half a kilo of pastrami and a teaspooon of coleslaw burying 2 pieces of rye bread and then covering it a pound of cheese and sticking it under the griller to melt. Oh, and don’t forget the BOWL of flavoured mayonnaise on the side.  Human beings should not eat this shit!  Of course, I did take my sister there for dinner not less than a week later!  I however had chicken soup.

Don’t think the revoltingness of these meals stopped me from eating them.  Didn’t I mention that Iaziness was the over-arching concept here?  Good or bad, all of them have been consumed wholeheartedly and without regret.

Double-dogging Dare #1 – Become a TV Producer in NY

One of you soft-cocks finally gave me a dare which I completed, if I do say so myself, with great success…

Matt and I were in New York recently – he was there for a conference and I was on holiday! So, I crashed a couple of industry parties… I’m not a TV type, I’m an IT nerd but I have gleaned enough knowledge over the years from my husband and all of our TV-type friends to, well, bullshit my way through it…

So, here I am, imbibing illicitly-gained cocktails, eating unethically obtained finger-food and rubbing shoulders with a number of Abercrombie & Fitch mid-level TV flunkies in New York. At this point, Matt decides to make it interesting… he dares me to see if I can do what all the other loser-Aussies and Kiwi’s are desparately flailing around doing and try to get myself a job in NY – as a producer. No showreel in hand. No business card. No experience for that matter. Just me and my ability to bullshit.

Never one to turn down an absurdly pointless challenge, I build myself a promo-producer persona. I’ve been free-lancing around Sydney for 6 years or so. Prior to that I worked at Channel (Insert Channel Number here – depending on who I’m talking to at the time) for 4 years. And before that ABC – a public government-run station. Last year or so has been really focussed on switching to digital in Australia which is interesting and brings it’s own set of challenges in terms of re-educating the audience, finding the real selling point for your audience and so on. You get the picture…

I start quietly by just talking to the people who happen to sit down on the couches next to me.  This is pretty slow going and I can only sit still for so long after all because at this point, I’ve had enough vodka to shame David Hasselhoff. So I grab Glenn (he knows EVERYBODY) and we do a circuit of the room.  Glenn points out a few power-house people to me and so off I go!

I’m like a machine… I work that room like Lindsay Lohan works an ounce of blow.  I’m charming, witty, knowledgeable, interested and so damn creative it blows my mind! Boom! And, most importantly, I’m not afraid to flash a bit of boob should the situation call for it.

But how does one measure success in this type of dare?  Clearly I’m not actually going to be offered a job on the back of one booze-sodden clutch in a dark cocktail bar… so the agreed upon measure?  Business cards baby!

  • Cherine Anderson, VP Marketing & Business Development, Push Creative
  • Jonathan Block-Verk, President, Promax|BDA
  • Charlie Mawer, Executive Creative Director, Red Bee Media
  • Reemah Sakaan, Head of Marketing, BBC
  • Martin Poole, Director, Sway Media
  • Charley Holland, Chief Squirrel, The Charley Holland Agency (to be frank, this one doesn’t count because he knows my true identity)
  • I don’t have photo or video evidence of completion of this dare (as per the double-dog dare rules) however I do have the business cards and several witnesses. I’m hoping that will suffice.

    So if any of you promo producers out there are looking for a job in New York, come see me! I’ve got contacts coming out of my arse!

    And please, please… SOMEONE give me another dare!