Sex Toys are Not for the Faint-Hearted

I had the fabulous fortune to be rescued from extreme mortification this week.  We left Sydney on Saturday morning to go to NY for a couple of weeks holiday.  While we’re away, Joe is house-sitting for us.   

Very early Saturday morning we woke and got ready to leave, trying to be quiet as church mice as Joe was asleep downstairs.  As we were making the bed I had a thought.  Perhaps we should ensure that any truly personal items were not left where they could inadvertently be stumbled across.

What exactly do I mean by personal items I hear you ask?  Although, more likely, you’re saying to yourself, please don’t tell me, I just don’t want to know!  However in order for you to understand the depth of my mortification you need the truth, the whole truth. 

I’m talking sex toys.  Nothing kinky or over the top… just your standard normal healthy couple kinda stuff!  Think fluffy handcuffs & the like…

So I whisper to Matt that perhaps we should move them somewhere less stumble-upon-able… he agrees and heads to their usual hidey-hole to move them.  A couple of minutes later he walks back out looking just a tad concerned and dramatically whispers to me “I can’t find them”. 

Seriously.  What the fuck?!!!!!  We immediately begin tearing the place apart.  Looking everywhere.  But nothing. Nowhere.  

Then Matt has an idea. 

He goes to our suitcase. Our fully packed, already padlocked and ready to go to the airport… you know, THROUGH CUSTOMS and an xray machine, suitcase… and there, buried in the “extra space” top pocket are all the items. Nicely packed away from our last holiday.. one where we didn’t have to go through customs clearly!

Dear god in heaven.  Can you imagine?  A burly ex-marine, long since turned to fat, standing over us drawling in nasal bronx-ese  “Excuse me sir, can you please open the bag?” and we in our ignorance nervously but ignorantly acquiescing only to bring about our own fatal embarrassment?  Not an experience I’m keen to have…

Thank god we remembered beforehand!  Although it would have been a much better story if we hadn’t huh?!!