Spam Whore Unmask Thyself

Have you ever noticed that spam porn is always about chicks?  I was cleaning out my spam, as you do every blue moon, and I noticed an odd trend.  Allow me to elucidate…

give her more of your rod
bring joy to your better half
rock her world every night
be aware of her needs
show her what you’re really packing
give her ecstacy
bang her, show her your love


Are you seeing the pattern here?  Do mine eyes deceive me? THESE ARE BEING WRITTEN BY WOMEN!!!!!!  I highly doubt that men are that motivated to ‘be aware of her needs’ which means it must have been written by a woman.  Now before you jump down my throat with your soon-to-be long hard rod, I’m not suggesting that men don’t care, I’m just saying that a command to ‘give her ecstacy’ isn’t a big male motivator.  I’m suggesting that perhaps some of the following subject lines may carry a little more impetus for the male psyche:

impale that bitch
wanna be a titan at the trough
be the biggest dick  
(ok this one has some problems I acknowledge that.  It’s a work in progress).
add inches to your rod
swinging dicks need not apply
make her bleed (oh, did I go too far?)

Now don’t they sound more masculine?  Surely any man would be jumping to be “the biggest dick”?  My point is, that there are women out there writing this spam porn and annoying me.  (Well, let’s not overstate things.  To be frank, I clear my spam out about once a year (apologies to all those real people who sent me emails like 8 months ago and you’ve just today got a reply from me – blame the spam gods at yahoo)).  Something must be done.

Oh, and by the way gents, if you take away anything from this rant, please let it be this bang her, show her your love. 🙂 

* Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Double-dogging is for punks

So there’s this wacky new craze called ‘double-dogging’ apparently.  All the kids are doing it.  It’s when you dare someone to do something – hilarious!  (Ah sarcasm… my old friend.  You serve me well.).

See a few examples here

So where are these people that are so motivated?  I just don’t geddit.  Seems my friends are frickin lazy.  We might work up the chutzpah to do it once or even twice but that sucker is gonna get tired real quick.  I don’t want to be lazy – I want to be wacky and fun but seriously, I’m not gonna.

Well damn you, damn you to hell, apathy!  Is my life so super that I just can’t be fucked doing something mildly entertaining for a bit?  Hell no!  I’ve never been afraid of looking stupid for the purposes of entertainment.  So challenge me people… gimme something GOOOOOD.  But remember, you’re gonna have to be challenged too.

It can’t be any lame old dare.  It’s gotta be good.  A double-dog dare is well up the ‘dare’ scale.

DOUBLE-DOG DARE – verb phrase. Also: dog dare, double-black-dog dare, double-dare, n*gger-dare, niggle dare. Chiefly Southern, Southern Middle. To challenge defiantly. Note: The formulaic phrases build both on alliteration and (usually euphemistic) intensifiers. 1892 Dialectic Notes, 1.229 KY, Dare. Children in quarrelling say, “I dare you.” “I dog dare you.” “I black dog dare you.” “I double dog dare you.” “I double black dog dare you.”
From “Dictionary of American Regional English,” Volume II by Frederic G. Cassidy (1991, Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, Cambridge, Mass., and London, England).

So fire up your imagination and let’s get cracking!  Soft-cocks need not apply.

Make it inventive and make it hard!
Nothing that can land me with a criminal record.
Photo/video evidence of the double-dog being completed is required.

Leopard print grundies are hot

 I think this shot of Julianne Moore is so hot I could just throw her down right here and now.  Heterosexuality notwithstanding.


While I’m not drooling allow me to point out the salient point. And I do have one.   The woman is 47 years old


Call me naive but that shot doesn’t look overly photoshopped.  I’m not suggesting it isn’t, but if it is they’ve showed a decent amount of restraint.  As American Photo magazine points out, compared to the ridiculous Ms Paltrow, Jules looks amazing and, unlike Gwynnie, seems to be a real flesh and blood person. 

Perhaps I’m biased.  I’ve loved her for quite some time and more particularly since her spectacular “Fuck you, motherfucker. Don’t call me lady” turn in Magnolia.  Then, I’ve always been a fan of the ginger*.  On chicks, that is.  Red hair, porcelain skin.  I wanted it.  Bad.  I tried to emulate that Scully-orange when I was in my twenties but the fact of the matter is that it really doesn’t work on brunettes with warm-toned skin.  It becomes more a sickly mahogany than that true orange that only a natch ginger* can do. 

Well all I can say is, Julianne, I salute your leopard-printed crotch.  And I hope that bruise on your inner upper thigh clears up ok.

* that’s ginger with an initial hard ‘g’ as opposed to 2 soft ‘g’s.  Natch.