The Little Mermaid Wants, Nay, NEEDS a Vagina

Fanny Farts are measured in “hectometres”

It’s been a couple of weeks since my last post but in my defence I was on the other side of the world!  Back this week, I was lying in bed the very early hours of this morning unable to sleep.  Just thinking in that leapfrog kinda way… bouncing around from one thought to another.  It came to me that if fanny is used by Americans to mean arse – so what then do they call ‘fanny farts’?  I really had no idea.  So I started googling. I fully acknowledge that there’s something odd about sitting in the pre-dawn darkness googling “fanny fart” however dear friends, my curiousity needed to be sated.

It seems Australians and Brits are in agreement on the use of ‘fanny fart’ whereas Americans use, most commonly, QUEEF.  According to the interweb, it’s onomatapaeic.  I can see that.  Or hear it, as the case may be.

Other terms used less commonly:

  • Queeb
  • Queve
  • Bonqueefa
  • front botty burp
  • Breath of Vulva      (this one’s just creepy if you ask me)
  • muff guff
  • pussy fart
  • varts (seems oddly inappropriate – perhaps because it’s not crass enough – yet somehow it works)

Interestingly, in Canada a ‘quief caker’ is someone who overly enjoys having a vaginal fart in their mouth…  I can’t begin to… you know what, I’m just gonna leave it alone!

And in other parts of the world:

  • FRENCH – pet vaginal
  • ITALIAN – scoreggia vaginale
  • GERMAN – misen furz
  • SPANISH – moreno (mostly used as an insult)

Most of these literally translate to vaginal fart. It’s hard to find ‘euphemistic’ terms in other languages, most likely because it’s difficult when you aren’t a fluent speaker. 

In my hunting, I came across a number of other terms which amused me no end:

einen furz loslassen – to “cut the cheese”
der Analhusten  – anal cough (fart!)
der Pups – fart
bierficker – literally ‘beer fucker’.  Apparently a bierficker is someone with a small penis.  Huh?
der hinterlader – literally “breech loader”.  What it means though is ‘he who receives’, if you get my drift!
moesen saft – translates both literally and figuratively as ‘cunt juice’.

putain de merde – literally “whore of shit” – but means Holy Shit or Fucking Hell
se faire chier – literally “to cause someone to shit” – it means “to piss off”
tarte de creme – a term to describe semen dripping out of a vagina post-coitus – interesting that they have need for a term dedicated to describing this…
couler en bronze – I guess it translates to something like ‘to hang a shit’ – literally it’s more like ‘to slip a turd’

porca puttana – means ‘fucking hell’ but literally it translates to ‘pig whore’
testa di cazza – dick head but literally ‘head of the small head’
gnocche – cunts – next time you’re in an italian restaurant take care not to mis-pronounce your order!

perfututum – ‘totally fucked’

So there you go – my trip around the world of ‘le vulgaire vagin’…

Oh, and yes, apparently the speed of fanny farts can be measured in ‘hectometres’….  I read it on the internet so it must be true.