Yes PJ Harvey, I Will Lick Your Legs

There is a phrase which makes me barf like a 6-year old in a McDonalds playground.  It is “ladies of a certain age”.  Seriously, WTF?  How old are we talking here? 35… 40… 50?

And what does it even mean?  It’s says to me that we are expected to somehow become more dignified, less frivolous and disinterested in the things of our youth.  You know, outrageous things like falling passionately in love with a band or singer; listening to one song over and over so many times the neighbours start knocking on your door; getting so drunk you forget that your hands and feet actually serve different purposes; pulling absurd poses for no good reason other than to amuse yourself & your friends; explosively loud laughter in a public place that makes passers-by frown disapprovingly;  singing & dancing in your loungeroom with your best friend just cos it’s Friday night.

But I love these things.  I can’t be expected to give up such vast chunks of myself just because I found a grey pube for christs sake.*

I will agree to one thing and one thing only.  If A-N-Y-ONE starts discussing my actual age from here on in, I will give you paper cuts all over the fleshy bit on the inside of your upper arm.  I will then proceed to pour a bucket of lemon juice over you.  This refusal to talk numbers will be my only foray into the so-called delicacies of aging.

As to the rest?  Well.  Colour me inapropriate.

There are a few lovely ladies in the public eye (all older than me too – bonus!) who’ve managed to keep their sass regardless of age.

pjharvey cameron_diaz_2009_golden_globe_awards_1.0.0.0x0.400x576 15_Gwen Stefani 37
PJ Harvey Cameron Diaz Gwen Stefani
drew-barrymore meg_white kim-gordon-urban-outfitters-collab
Drew Barrymore Meg White Kim Gordon

Ok perhaps Gwen is a bit of a stretch but I reckon Kim and Polly Jean more than make up for it.

So who do you think still has it?  Pick one of my suggestions or enter your own.  Someone who’s no longer a contemporary in age, of say Beth Ditto (The Gossip); Allison Mosshart (The Kills); Ellen Page (Juno) or Evan Rachel Wood (The Wrestler, Running With Scissors), but still walks around with a swagger that makes sure noone notices.  Vote below!

By the way, did I mention it’s my birthday today?  Hurrah!

* I really don’t have any grey pubes.  It’s called literary license.  Seriously.  When that day comes, you will know.  There will be gnashing of teeth and a great thundering wail.

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101 Methods for Mouse Masturbation

stuart-little-2-1Scientists have made a brilliant discovery that may help overweight people lose weight by converting sugar into heat rather than storing it as fat. To quote New Scientist magazine “Bruce Spiegelman at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston [has] shown that foreskin cells from mice can be changed into brown fat cells. When injected… the cells burned sugar that would otherwise have been stored”.

Awesome. Fabulous. I’ll just go get myself some teeny little tweezers shall I? I mean, how exactly does one spank the mousey, as it were?

Now fatties are expected to carry one of those little plastic pet-shop cases packed with 3 bucks a day (“buck” being the term for a male mouse – duh!)? At the end of each meal you pull out another unfortunate future miniature eunuch and tug one off?

What happens if it’s a little chilly that day? Shrinkage could seriously hamper my progress.  So, how exactly do I warm the little fella up? I just don’t know that my thumb and forefinger are really all that nimble. I mean, I don’t want to break anything. For that matter, I’m not overly keen on getting a palmful of Mus Musculus* spunk either.

No thanks, I think I’ll stick with the tried and true method of a little 2-fingered post-meal assistance, like any self-respecting woman.

Jewish rodents need not apply.

* scientific name for the common house mouse.  Bet you didn’t know that before you started reading this piece of intellectual genius now did you?

Manboob Monday #17: Chicks Dig Hard Ones

Today I quote from a fellow blogger.

There are three kinds of man boobs. The first type: Hard.
Hard man boobs are the kind that you would have if you
worked out regularly. Hard man boobs are good. Chicks
dig them. The second type: Semi-hard. Semi-hard man
boobs are also good. Most chicks dig them. These are
found on dudes that work out on occasion or used to be
athletic or at least in decent shape at one point. The third
kind: Flabby. Flabby man boobs are not good at all,
unless you are a pro golfer. Chicks do not dig flabby man
boobs unless you happen to have Phil Mickelson money.
These are found on the type of dudes that were never
athletic in their lives. These dudes don’t even watch sports.

Mmmm.  Yes.  You’ve really nailed it there.  Sheer genius my good man.

/boys with breasts3 0001

Didn’t think I’d leave you completely boob-free did you?  This week, a little touchy-feely.  Aw shucks!

Why Steve Jobs Needs a Punch in the Head

steve-jobs copyRecent stories about the factory worker who committed suicide because he lost one of the new iPhones have got me in a tizz. At first I was my usual oblivious self but then I started to think about it.  For me, and probably you, to play around with that sexy little gadget in my pocket, many people have to suffer terribly.

Contrary to most media, I’m not all that fussed about Apple et al requiring so much secrecy.  That’s their right.  The guy didn’t kill himself because he lost a phone.  If he had, well, his brain isn’t quite adjusted to the real world.  Can’t blame anyone else for that.  But if he killed himself because he lost a phone, he knew the reprisals from his employer were going to be extreme and the impact on his family would be significant, well that’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish now isn’t it?

This factory has a history of treating it’s staff like animals – if I may be so sensational.  In August last year, an organisation called China Labor Watch released an exhaustive report on the company in question, Foxconn, who build iPods and iPhones for Apple (amongst other things).  The norm is insults, physical abuse, compulsory overtime, unsafe conditions and not being properly paid eg work starts at 8am but they are required to be there at 7.30am (unpaid).


It would be great if someone could actually come up with an idea, a way of shaming them into action.


The usual response amongst my left-leaning peers is to say “don’t buy the product”.  I hear what you are saying but I don’t think that is a real solution.  Most people don’t care or don’t know what’s going on so there isn’t going to be a big dent in revenue really.  But let’s pretend for a moment that there is a significant drop in sales, what happens?  The company, in this case Apple, stops selling the product or goes bust.  The contract is canned so those workers are now out of a job and when they do get another, chances are it’s not all that different to the last one.  No-one wins. Not me the consumer, not Apple, not the factory and certainly not the worker.  The only way to get action on this is for those CEOs and board members to be unwilling to buy from suppliers of this ilk.

Why aren’t the board or CEO of companies like Apple and Sony that use these factories held accountable?  Why aren’t there laws that require a company to immediately cancel a contract if it is shown that a supplier is mistreating its staff?  Is it such an extreme expectation really?

I do wonder though, how can the men on the board of Apple sit idly by?  How do they live with themselves?  They are human beings after all.  And, why aren’t they being shamed by us into making a change?

If you’re old and grumbly write a letter goddammit!

Apple Board of Directors
Bill Campbell
Millard Drexler
Albert Gore Jr. (Former Vice President of the United States)
Steve Jobs(CEO, Apple)
Andrea Jung
Arthur D. Levinson, Ph. D.
Dr. Eric Schmidt

What would be really great though, is if someone could actually come up with an idea, a way of really shaming them into action. Obviously it would need media coverage and lots of it… ideas anyone?

Is Gael the hottest of the latinos?

Matt has been away for 6 days now.  The house is so quiet.  I haven’t really had a spare millisecond all week so haven’t had a chance to miss him yet.  Technology goes a long way I guess.  With the wonders of skype and SMS we’re still offering up to each other that running narration of our day…

Sometimes I wonder though. If we’re constantly getting real time updates of what’s happening, what are we supposed to talk about when he gets back? And, are we giving each other the opportunity to be missed?  Then I wonder, am I over-analysing this and who really gives a shit?

Supposed to be going to see Rudo Y Cursi tonight – a movie starring Gael Garcia Bernal.  And who doesn’t want to see a movie with he of the hotness, latino style?

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But I’ve already seen one film in the past few weeks where Gael was sufficiently hot (Limits of Control by Jim Jarmusch – snooze fest).  Besides, another movie about 2 poor blokes trying to make a living playing soccer (although, at least these ones will be hot – as opposed to those buddhist chaps in The Cup – and men – as opposed to say Bend it Like Beckham).  Bah!  I think I’d rather stay at home, alone and do nothing. Maybe I can visit Gael in my head without bothering about the film (*snigger*)?  Perhaps give myself a little time to remember to miss my husband.

I wonder if mum is doing the same?  Matt and Dad are skiing together – it’s “man week” at the Burgess family ski lodge at Perisher.  So I’m not the only one home alone.
photo

I had lunch with mum on Sunday, seeing as we both had all this free time on our hands, and she told me that they have been somewhat at loggerheads of late.  Marriage counselling etc.  It’s funny how even as a grown adult, with a marriage of my own (of more than 5 minutes), it still gives me a little ugghh in the guts to hear my mum talk about that stuff.  I KNOW that marriage is up and down and all over the place. I KNOW that sometimes you really drive each other nuts. But they’re my parents.  Don’t think I’ll ever stop being their kid.  Don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling a bit sick when they are having a hard time.

Perhaps over the years, the source has shifted though.  You see, I’m too much like my mum and Matt is somewhat like my dad.  I suspect there’s a little bit of fear that if they can’t work it out, then we won’t either.  I know we’re not the same people and we make our own choices etc but still.  Besides, noone is even suggesting they won’t work it out. That’s just my gurgling guts.  Nobody ever said fear is rational!

Tuesday Timeshift #14: Red Cliff

red_cliffCan’t be bothered reading an entire review? Check out my Haiku Film Review. Otherwise keep reading!

Let me commence by saying, I’m a girl.

Look call me sexist if you want, but this is a guy movie through and through.  That’s not a bad thing – but I’m not a guy so it really wasn’t for me.  So for the purposes of this review I will be channelling my partner in crime  – lets call him Batthew – as much as is humanly (and legally) possible without having anything surgery added and/or removed.

When I saw this, I was all a-flutter – and not just because I actually lob around a set of boobs wherever I go in reality.  Director John Woo intro’d the film.  In person.  In front of me.  If I stretched my little girly fingers out I could have groped him inappropriately.  John Woo!  Face Off, Broken Arrow, Mission Impossible II.  John Woo goddamit!  Lost in Space!  Oh, wait… Some might call these boy movies too.  Well, I cannot agree good sirs!  Fun is fun even if you are nut-free.  And this film had the largest budget EVER for a Chinese movie.  When those credits rolled I sat back all prepared for fun.  Thrills. Grandeur!  All round craziness.

Grandeur yes.  Thrilling fun? Not so much.  Strategic, warring, man-pride.  Chest-beating all round.  Ok so I still haven’t really found my inner manhood yet have I?  Look, Batthew loved it.  But he adores Battleship Potemkin, The Great Escape and Toy Story, for christs sake!  Damn men.

Don’t get me wrong.  I did enjoy much of it.  Just not all of it.  It was beautiful to look at, some great CGI scenes  and the sound was phenomenal.  I’m glad I saw it on the gigantor screen with super-sound-max-3000.  It’s a chest-thumping grand experience.  Batthew tells me all that war-ry stuff was great – you know, the hamster-style attack formation and the backward-scissor-lift defence formation and all that…  let me quote The Guardian “some of the best battle scenes since Peter Jackson’s The Two Towers”.  Frankly, I snoozed towards the end of that bit in LOTR too.

Yeah, go see it.  It’s fun.  And Red Cliff II will be out next year.  Take your nut sack and go see that sucker too. For those of us bereft of said sack, how do you feel about seeing Coco APRES Chanel instead?

Manboob Monday #16: Sweaty Tits

Today I’m delighted to bring you a little scent of manboob… essence de boob…
manboob