101 Methods for Mouse Masturbation

stuart-little-2-1Scientists have made a brilliant discovery that may help overweight people lose weight by converting sugar into heat rather than storing it as fat. To quote New Scientist magazine “Bruce Spiegelman at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston [has] shown that foreskin cells from mice can be changed into brown fat cells. When injected… the cells burned sugar that would otherwise have been stored”.

Awesome. Fabulous. I’ll just go get myself some teeny little tweezers shall I? I mean, how exactly does one spank the mousey, as it were?

Now fatties are expected to carry one of those little plastic pet-shop cases packed with 3 bucks a day (“buck” being the term for a male mouse – duh!)? At the end of each meal you pull out another unfortunate future miniature eunuch and tug one off?

What happens if it’s a little chilly that day? Shrinkage could seriously hamper my progress.  So, how exactly do I warm the little fella up? I just don’t know that my thumb and forefinger are really all that nimble. I mean, I don’t want to break anything. For that matter, I’m not overly keen on getting a palmful of Mus Musculus* spunk either.

No thanks, I think I’ll stick with the tried and true method of a little 2-fingered post-meal assistance, like any self-respecting woman.

Jewish rodents need not apply.

* scientific name for the common house mouse.  Bet you didn’t know that before you started reading this piece of intellectual genius now did you?

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I’ll Give You a Fucking Tree

Prepare yourself for the worst lyrics ever written…

I’m a tree, golden and free
I spend my days thinking of me
I’m a tree, golden and free
Neglecting you comes naturally

Brown roots and yellow leaves
Strong roots, strong roots, photosyntheses

– He’s a Tree by Margaret Helen King

Apologies if you just vurped a little.  I just want to punch Margaret Helen King in the fucking gullet… and the gusset…

You too can hear the joy at http://triplejunearthed.com/Artists/View.aspx?artistid=1239.

And fuck you Triple J for actually playing that on air. It was so bad I believed it to be a joke. Thus I had to check the Unearthed site to be sure and so was forced to listen to it AGAIN you pricks! A joke it is not.

Grandma is a crack whore

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Yeah well you know what Grandma. I think you’re a fucking clueless old hag.   Oh yeah, and enjoy your goddam high-lighter.

–Grand daughter

Don’t believe me? Think I’m a mean ungrateful grand daughter?. Catch it up close to really take in the joy.

Picture 3

* disclaimer:  Margaret Van whatever… not my actual grandmother.  Just some random page I found on Amazon that amused me…

To the Woman Who Shat Herself in My Car

I’m entirely ripping this off from Joshuah Bearman because it’s about the funniest story I’ve ever heard and I must get it down so it never ever leaves me and I can read it again and again.  This was a post on Craigslist:

I posted an item a week ago in hopes of finding a specific woman. I received a number of encouraging emails from people, but one person decided to respond to me rather rudely and flag it for “miscategorized.” It was posted under “men seeking women”. I am a man, seeking a woman. I really thought that was clear in the post.

It is sad to see that someone feels the need to wrongly flag my post and then email me with mean phrases that looked as if they were strung together by a ten year old.

So, to the person that wasn’t courage enough to send me an email with their real name:

1) Go back to school. Get your G.E.D. and enjoy your life washing dishes at Denny’s.

2) If you are going to send an email attacking someone, have the courage to leave your name. My name is Tad.

3) She contacted me today so go fuck yourself!

To those that read this and is not the mean person: I apologize for saying “fuck” but I really do think the cowardly person should stop being mean to others OR I hope he/she is mean to the wrong person (wink wink).

The original post was this:

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…

Sex with Ducks

Guy Shits Himself in a Judo Exhibition

Just finished reading a very intriguing feature piece in NY Magazine (this girl ain’t no luddite!) on distraction in the digital age.  In the article, was a sentence that I just had to note because, well, you will understand once you read it…

“I consider it a victory for the integrity of pre-web human consciousness that I was able to successfully resist clicking on the first ‘related video’ after the chimp [playing pac-man], the evocatively titled ‘Guy shits himself in a judo exhibition’.”

I heartily encourage you to read this article if you, like me, find yourself surrounded, and excited by, the bevy of technologically-driven information at your fingertips.

And, eerily, the author references the Boston Molasses Disaster quite a lot which I, in a so not-as-nerdy-as-it-sounds way,  learnt about during an Absolute Balderdash marathon just last weekend.  Kismet or something!  

You can read the article by Sam Anderson at http://nymag.com/news/features/56793

Oh and yeah. Here is a video of a guy shitting himself during a judo exhibition.

Alex. A Life. In Love.

a little movie i made for my sister to make her laugh when she was feeling homesick.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Alex. A life. In love. on Yahoo! Video“, posted with vodpod