Bogans are all about the fishing

It’s been a while since last I posted – what can I say.. Matt has been sick and I’ve had nary a spare second… so I thought I’d pull out a post that I wrote a while ago but never published.

It’s come to my attention that bogans love fishing.  This is a recent fact of which I have become aware. Whenever we go sailing, which is most weekends, there are 3 types of boats.

The first we call stink boats – although, they are more commonly known as speed boats. They go fast and are manned by either wealthy young men with pretty girls in bikinis or wealthy men in their 40s accompanied by several children. (Interesting, there’s a theme there. Young men take out pre-pubscent looking girls and older men take out actual girls). The boat names are always puns relating to speed (the movement not the narcotic), aggression or drugs (and this time, I DO mean narcotics). The occupants are always wearing something sexy. At the very least sunglasses.

The second are sail boats – generally speaking you’ll find a middle-aged man at the helm. Also clearly quite wealthy. Sometimes he’ll be alone – in the salty-Pete beard with no moustache kinda way. Sometimes our sailor will be accompanied by a son – who’ll be at the wheel while Dad leans back smug that his super-sperm have created such worthy progeny, just like him. And other times our sailor will be entertaining a group of equally as moneyed friends, all slapping each other on the back at their hilarious tales of European travel dramas. Oh ha ha ha, he he he, yes, yes, the traffic on the road to Positano is absolutely dreadful, isn’t it?!  (ah yeah, I’m not exaggerating for comic effect, I’ve got first hand experience – I have actually myself uttered those ridiculous words with absolutely no sense of irony).  The women wear white ¾ pants, crisp tops and white gold jewellery.  The men wear sailing shoes, polo shirts (the Ralph Lauren ones) and neat cargo shorts.  The boats names are, again with the puns, related to relaxing, literary or sailing puns and patting oneself on the back.  Right now I can see Pelican, Wind Archer and Running Gale.

Our final boat is the fishing boat. They are huge lumbering vessels, often 2 stories high. They always look pretty scruffy, the once-clear plastics are milky, the paintwork is faded and so is the canvas of the canopy. What was once a crisp rich navy blue is now patchy and faded around the edges. Fishing boats always seem to have antennas everywhere. And bogans. Lots of bogans. They tie up together, boats linked side-by-side, the occupants standing on the back, fishing and drinking VB (and I’m not exaggerating here, I’ve watched them unload their rubbish a million times and it’s always VB or tooheys – and maybe a few Corona’s for the older kids and the wives). Everyone is chubby, loud and wearing Rivers shorts. Men and women alike.  Inevitably, fishing boats are named after someones daughter or wife.   I can see MV Jess, Bella’s Time and Scott-Free. 

Honestly, I have never ever seen a stink boat or a sailboat with people fishing. Tinnys and run-abouts sure. But never a stink boat or sailboat.

There is one other boat that I’ve forgotten to mention. Houseboats. Almost certainly a bucks night or group of mates out to get hammered on the harbour. Expect wigs, music and beer. Never a fishing pole in sight.